Helpful Accompanying Notes

August 2nd, 2011

Dear J. This arrived the other day.

General Instructions.

Andy experiences lower back pain and stiffness at times. He was receiving physio and hydrotherapy while in London and did very well. If he seems more stiff than usual, i.e. he has difficulty sitting down(he is slow anyway but this is really slow) or if he has back pain there is an exercise you can do with him.

He lies on his side and you grasp his foot and push the whole leg towards his body and hold for 20 seconds. Then release and straighten and extend his leg straight and hold for 20 seconds. While you are doing this your one hand should be on his back steadying his spine.

You need to do this three times on one side and then turn him over and do it three times on the other side. I would do this twice a day until the stiffness and pain subsides.

I will also give you a heating pad which I lay on his lower back and turn on low for 15 minutes in the evening and 15 minutes in the morning before he gets up. I put the heating pad on at night even if he isn’t having back pain. It goes off automatically in an hour or so. I wouldn’t do it when it warms up.

If the pain continues I would take him in and get some pain killers. I would also limit his exercise for a while although he definitely needs to keep moving.

I just wouldn’t let him really run around.

Right then. Just for the record, Andy is a dog. He’s here for 5 weeks. This is only the first page of four(2 alone dedicated to instructions of physio as well as hydro therapy-why if only we had a current generating pool)outlining the care and maintenance of Andy and the two little ones he comes with. When I am not busy stretching him this way or the other and holding for 20 seconds I am sorting out which of three separate eye drops to administer, all in varying order, three times a day. Then there are the four supplements added to the food. The drops are on account of Andy’s near blindness in one eye brought on by a disease named something I can’t remember. It makes his eye look like it is made of marble(which would be quite cool if it weren’t for the blindness). The other eye is nearly useless from glaucoma. Andy is therefore obviously not a candidate to accurately answer many of the usual questions I ask of all the dogs when we are out on the daily walks. Like, “Say Andy, you wouldn’t happen to know what your owner looks like naked would you?”

There’s more-like the tooth brushing, the ice pack and and a few other odds and sods. The fact is, many people undergo an alteration in rational thought ranging from a little bit to near obliteration when they get an animal. It is fair to say, however, that without this occurrence, we would be in a negative cash flow situation just now.

Extreme doting like above is one thing. It is, at least, harmless. It induces people to spend billions of dollars on their pets. And let’s face it I want as big of a chunk of that dough that I can honestly procure. The real pain in our ass, in this business, is the geniuses that figure they need to keep their pet intact. They all have their reasons. “I’m going to breed him,” is a common delusion.  That’s like having kids to improve a dying marriage. “It’s a show dog,” is another good one. It’s like saying, “Because I spent $5000.00 on this dog, I can’t get him neutered.”  “Oh he’s intact, but it doesn’t effect his behavior,” might just be my favorite. I am thinking to include a few instructional notes of my own for some of these customers not unlike the one above. Like maybe Cal, whose dog is Yeller, an intact Border Collie. I am sure Cal has kept Yeller this way solely because of a misguided perception that somehow snipping his dog will instantly shrink his own balls ’till they wither and fall off.

I could write it in the first person from the dog’s perspective,  like so many of the notes we get with the dogs that come and stay-and add a few of those internet shortcuts latecomers to the computer like to throw in to demonstrate how “hip” they are.

Dear Dad LOB(lots of barks har har),

Here are some notes from my first day at Barksville.  The first bit is  from Kyle;-)

Dear Cal,

Yeller is a great dog, but does have a few issues you might want to consider, when you bitch about us charging more money for him, on account of his larger than life ball sack you insist on preserving. Here is a typical day with him which might contrast slightly from your time together where there are not several other dogs in the vicinity.



Hey Dad, me again.  As I was saying…..When I arrive at Barksville, I know I have to move fast. Sensing it is only a matter of time before I will be interrupted by a shoe or other relatively soft object hurled at my head, I immediately piss on every horizontal surface in the house. This includes low hanging curtains, computers, chair legs and, if I am really on my game, a well placed squirt into the slightly ajar pot drawer of Kyle’s stove is always a veritable coup. Say, how lovable is that?

Next, it’s out to the back yard to meet the other dogs. Since staying at Barksville is kind of like being in prison(in contrast to home where you just let me wander the streets and turn a blind eye to my antics), I like to get me, what I think they refer to in prison as, “a bitch.” This can take a bit of time because, due to past incidents, Kyle is on to this practice. He really limits access to some of the tastier ones often leaving me confined with dogs that really should be in prison.

In order to avoid his selection, there is a narrow opportunity when it comes to being put in the back yard where I can bolt. This usually leads to a bit of an interaction with Kyle where sometimes I actually have to bite the fucker to get him to let go of me. During the skirmish I’ll throw in a dose of expressed anal glands. You know the stuff dad. It smells like three week old dead skunk and lingers for hours-always like to keep a bit on hand. Boy, did Kyle get mad the last time I did this. I know this because I felt that whoosh of air on my backside that can only be caused by a narrowly missed kick to the ass. LOL

Of course now I am screwed because I have “escaped” to an area where there are no dogs to hump against their wills. So we have a bit of a dilemma here because I need in to the dogs and Kyle, at least by the time you come and get me, needs to maintain the appearance that I love coming here and he loves having me despite the fact that most of this is not true. This illusion will not be maintained if I am seen running around the yard being chased by an angry man wielding a rake, wearing only his boxer shorts and flip-flops.

Eventually I give in and Kyle and I arrive at a sort of detente. I let him know I am cool with this by clutching his leg and thrusting until my little red slug of a penis wiggles out and starts depositing matter. Charming. Besides, seeing how much fun Kyle and I were having, Phyllis decided to let out a whole bunch of dogs for one of the big runs they do here several times a day. Dumb-ass Kyle will never catch me now.

Now it is only a question of selecting the right target. I don’t know about you dad but I’m a same sex kind of guy. I like a youngish, neutered male that really doesn’t have a lot of fight in him(sounds like a personal ad LOL). This week I found “Seeker.” What a beauty. I like to drool all over his back and ride him like a sleigh all around the back yard until Kyle finally catches me in a particularly glazed-over state and the whack of a shovel or something similar throws me off my game. Then, once I’ve recovered from the blow, I just get back on the saddle, as they say.   I do this all day if possible. Sometimes another dog will get the same idea as me in reference to “seeking sex with Seeker.” Well then,  I have to get right vicious with them then don’t I? Nobody moves in on “Ol’ Yeller’s Bitch” One sign of weakness and I might lose him/her for the rest of the stay.

Anyway,  after every big yard run,  it’s back into the smaller pens where often I find I have been coerced(via gum boot to the head) into a different pen than Seeker. Not to worry, I’ll just, as Kyle says, “bark my fucking head off” until I get my way.” And easy with the rake there Kyle-wouldn’t want Daddy to know. And so the day passes with basically a few repeats of the above.


As bedtime nears I am invited into the House.  But wait, where’s Seeker?  This calls for special tactics.  A series of high-pitched whistling type yelps designed by the military to induce violent momentary madness upon illegally held detainees ought to do it.

 And how. Next thing I remember I am being dropped into an upended crate(some might say thrown) by Kyle-in his boxers again, and still with the rake-even in the house. But, wait a minute, there’s Seeker in the crate next to me. Wow look at him. Man it’s amazing what a day’s worth of my slime all over his back can do to his coat. He looks like Cameron Diaz in “There’s Something About Mary,” only worse. Nice. You didn’t see that one? Google it Dad.

Such a day of excitement.  I am actually pretty tired from all those horizontal refreshments.  Nothing puts me to sleep better than a little off-gassing.  That way when Kyle comes to check on me in the morning he will almost gag from the smells I can produce LOL.  Tonight’s special?   I’m thinking a combination of whatever that stinky hormone is that I feel compelled to pee all over the place, some rather alarming indigestion, and whatever that horrific pus-like stuff that seems to ooze from the nether regions of  us “un-neutereds.” Classy

So thanks again dad for not getting me neutered and thereby paving this endearing relationship between me and Kyle. Kyle says thanks too. LOL,


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