barksville.ca

Dear Editor,

I hereby threaten to lop the head off of a harmless and defenseless,
wait for it, SLED DOG. I am afraid it won’t be a clean kill for I plan
on doing a bunch of unprintable atrocities to it first.   And here’s
why.    I just read a story entitled, “Hundreds Seek to Adopt Puppy
Back from the Dead” about a puppy in Oklahoma that was euthanized
twice and somehow managed to survive the ordeal. As the media would
have it he instantly became a celebrity.

Seems the pup went from being labeled refuse to having a line up of
willing takers simply by having a story that tugged the heartstrings
of the world.  Similar, if it isn’t obvious, to a situation widely in the news but a few forgotten weeks ago.  People were writing in from
England saying they would have taken one of the overstock dogs had
they known of their plight. The Humane Society as well as many
“experts in the field” were claiming the relative ease of finding
suitable homes for 100 SLED DOGS.  Midnight vigils were held across
the world. Candles were lit.  Protest Marches were had. Death threats
were made.

So here’s the deal.  I have ONE SLED DOG that has been fostered for 6
months and now due to a complicated set of circumstances finds herself
living with us while she waits for a suitable home to be found.  Her
current foster home has put up posters, advertised in Pet Finders,
spoken to countless people, and yet the sound of crickets in the room
is overwhelming.

She is not particularly gorgeous but by no means unattractive.  She is
smarter than most which means you are going to have to put in a bit of
effort.  If it’s a door stop you are after then she is not your girl-consider a Lab. She needs to burn off the odd bit of energy.  She is loyal and has a
definite set of qualities that one would find endearing.  I am 6′ 2″
and when she stands on her hind legs her front paws rest on my
shoulders and she almost looks me in the eyes.  She won’t even think
about peeing in your house. In fact, for the right person, she would
make a great companion.

Unfortunately, however, she has no
marketability.  She wasn’t found floating on an iceberg.  Nor was she
the one we picked up with 8 inches of arrow lodged into his chest at
an angle that could have only been achieved by shooting as he lay
submissively on his back.  She wasn’t wounded in a “friendly fire”
incident while I was trying to shoot a cat.  She didn’t save anybody
from a fire. She’s didn’t fight in the Gulf War.  She wasn’t orphaned
when the family car careened into the river leaving her and the infant
child, who she hauled to safety and breastfed for two days until help
arrived, as the soul survivors.   Nope. She’s just a regular old(young
really)dog not unlike  millions of others.  Husky/Grey Hound kind of
thing.

And that, my friends, is why I am going to pour boiling water all over
her(“was, like, totally an accident officer,” I will say and blame it
on the rye and Kool-Aid I had been drinking for two weeks up until the
“incident”)and maybe whack her with a hammer to just within an inch of
her life and hopefully enough to lose an eye or use of a leg say(for
starters) because that seems to be a surefire way to get somebody
interested in providing a good home for a perfectly deserving animal.
Then I will hold a fundraiser which will serve to pay for the surgery
as well as work the crowd into a veritable frenzy.  I mean come on
people, why get just a plain ol’ dog when you could have a media
sensation?

Or…..or maybe, just maybe,  one of you several million people who
showed honest signs of outrage and disgust at recent current affairs
will put your money where your mouth was and step up to the plate.  I
say the honest ones for those who were in it just for the game will,
by now, be “liking” some other media fueled Facebook campaign.
Somebody must have a place in their(active)life for a dog such as she.

If you do, pick up the phone.  I warn you, we are
pretty discerning about handing a dog over to somebody but we know
there is someone out there for her.

Anyway once a home is found for her, I am thinking to continue my “help the needy animals” campaign by setting the local animal shelter on fire as I know they are always looking for volunteers and there is
nothing like a good old disaster to boost up the numbers.  And if I
can’t find my matches when I lapse into this particular bout of
pyromania I might just call the local radio station and threaten to
kill a puppy(and not just any puppy but a cute little puppy)every hour
until my demand for $100,000.00 to the animal shelter is met.  So….ah…LOOK OUT!
Oh yeah, and tax receipts will be issued.

Note to the arresting officer(s).  I’m not actually going to do most
of the things I mention above.  It’s like sarcasm O.K…..We’re cool
right?  Say, you’re not, by any chance, looking for an energetic SLED
DOG?

P.S. If you aren’t in a position to provide a home for a dog in need
but are one of the truly passionate, here are some suggestions:
Volunteer at the local animal shelter.  It will make a difference.  Do
NOT encourage your neighbor when they tell you they are going to breed
their prized family dog, who only bites small children when provoked,
because they want to show the kids about the birth cycle.  Act
locally.  Take a look in your own neighborhood to see what can be done
to improve the lives of the dogs around here. There is plenty I assure
you.

Sincerely,

Kyle P. Dresden,

Barksville

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